9 September 2023
Joanna Psaros
Last month, eyeliner-clad softbois of the 2000s-era emo scene Fall Out Boy released an unexpected (and we’d argue, uncalled for) cover of Billy Joel’s 1985 classic modern-history recap bop. So, what world events of the past three decades did the ‘boys render important enough to feature in their contemporary remake of the hit? The Black Lives Matter and Me Too movements? How about global warming (or as its now known, “global boiling”- what a time to be alive!). And surely the balled wouldn’t be complete without a call-back to the single greatest betrayal of the Australian public- by which we mean Blake “Dirty Street Pie” Garvey dumping Australia’s sweetheart Sam Frost for third place runner Louise Pillage?
Not quite. Namechecking everything from QAnon to Tiger King, Fall Out Boy’s arbitrary archive of world events left us with questions. Questions like:
- Who ranked Balloon Boy on par America’s brutal War on Terror?
One of the funniest (albeit unintentionally) aspects of FOB’s confusing cover are the tonally-jarring juxtaposition of harrowing global crises with the clickbait-chasers of yesterday. Case in point- where else would “Balloon Boy” (the six-year-old Colorado boy whose parents ingeniously made world headlines and created a bizarre hoax involving their son floating away under a helium balloon) and “War on Terror” (America’s bloody campaign of modern imperialism and oil worship killing over 900,0000) appear in the same breath?
2. Are Fall Out Boy suggesting Spongebob Squarepants is actually… the Golden State Killer? Or are they just crap writers?
Even more of a head-scratcher is the successive callouts to Spongebob Squarepants and the Golden State Killer, who raped 50 and murdered 13 victims before his capture.
A serial rapist and killer? A talking sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
3. Trump gets impeached…. and impeached
Poor Fall Out Boy. Try as they might, they can’t quite keep up with the ADHD-esque 24-hour news cycle, the outcome being at least one of their more contemporary references is already obsolete.
We’re talking about the lyric, “Trump get impeached twice.” For those playing at home, the orange-hued real estate-magnate turned deeply chaotic US President has now been impeached three time… and counting.
4. What do North Korea’s most infamous dictator and the star of that crap Sherlock Holmes remake have in common? More than you’d think.
One’s a Hollywood film star and Marvel superhero icon. The other has a weird haircut and a fondness for murdering and oppressing his constituents.
However, Pedestrian TV’s here to blow you mind with exclusive breaking news that both men favour a pork-pie hat, or fedora. Yes, the headwear of choice of “M’lady” hat doffing incel creeps aplenty.
Oh, they also like big rockets, and have dabbled (Robert in consumption, Jong Un in production) of a cheeky nose beer or two.
5. What’s next?
If we’ve learned anything from history (and we have– Sex and the City has Black characters now!) we can look forward to yet another update in thirty-odd years- presumably be Justin Bieber’s cryogenically frozen head in a jar. And what silly, upsetting, and shocking news awaits us? Time will tell. For now, all we know is that we, Billy Joel, and Fall Out Boy did not, in fact, start the fire. They just appropriated the fire into Gen z nostalgia porn.
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